


Across the Years

by Oliver__Niko



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, References to Depression, Reincarnation, Romance, Soulmates, dating apps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28178523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oliver__Niko/pseuds/Oliver__Niko
Summary: To try and help with Felix's grief after his father's death, Dimitri recommends he joins an anonymous dating app to make more friends. Felix is naturally against the idea. When he eventually agrees to at least try it out, however, he finds himself instantly connected with someone he meets on there, as though he has known them all along.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48
Collections: Sylvix Gift Exchange 2020





	Across the Years

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redxcranberry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redxcranberry/gifts).



> Here is my piece for the Sylvix Secret Santa! My recipient (who I hope enjoys this <3) had two prompts which truly stood out to me, which was an anonymous dating app prompt and anything to do with reincarnation/soulmates. I decided to combine the two, and I hope you enjoy it!

Every day feels the same. They pass with identical motions, including his walk home now beneath a sky swirling with grey clouds, shivering from a chill strong even for Faerghus. Sometimes, it feels as though he is simply surviving, doing what needs to be done each day and little else. He theoretically has hobbies he enjoys. They simply don’t spark the same pleasure they once did, anymore.

One might say Felix is depressed. They’re probably right, and the events of his life would understandably lead to this. He just thinks it’s different. It has always been this way, a little flicker of doubt inside telling him that something is missing, something has _always_ been missing, and it’s only grown stronger now.

That’s the main reason for it, he believes. It seems reasonable that one would feel depressed from that.

He manages to arrive home before any rain falls. His arms tense as he carries shopping bags up the stairs to his apartment, glancing at the sky again and how it’s rapidly darkening into night. Dimitri would definitely be home by now, and this is confirmed when Felix opens the door, finding it is already unlocked.

Dimitri is standing in the hallway, and gives Felix a smile. “Oh, Felix! There you are, I was worried you might get caught in the rain.”

“Managed to avoid it this time. Oh, thanks,” he adds as Dimitri takes the shopping bags from him, granting him the ability to take off his shoes. “How was work today?” 

Felix himself works from home. It’s the best option for him, when mixing with other people is hardly his forte—he even struggles to speak to Dimitri sometimes, even though the two have been friends since childhood.

“It went well today,” says Dimitri, who Felix now follows into the kitchen. The former, once the bags are placed on the worktop, rubs the back of his neck. “Although I did accidentally break another mug in the office.”

“Goddess, you’re an idiot sometimes.”

With the groceries now put away, the two proceed to cook their dinner. And by both of them, it’s mostly Felix, for Dimitri is one to be _extremely_ clumsy in the kitchen. The man truly doesn’t know his own strength. Felix swears he still has nightmares of Dimitri ripping open a bag of flour too roughly and having it explode all over the kitchen, _several_ times.

Still, even when Dimitri is done with his side of (careful) preparation, he lingers in the kitchen. Something about him tells Felix he’s waiting to say something, which prompts Felix to ask, “What is it?”

“Did you give some thought to … you know?”

Felix’s stirring in a pan becomes slightly more aggressive. “I did.”

“And—?”

“Nope. Not doing it.”

“I think it would do you good to at least try.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” The stirring becomes a bit violent from his irritation by this point, and he calms it down. His voice too, releasing a larger exhale of air before saying, “I don’t need to date anyone to be happy. It’s not as though I have to suddenly settle down at age twenty-three.”

“I am not saying that. Not for a moment.” Dimitri’s voice has grown gentler, and out of the corner of Felix’s eye, he can see his face soften as well. “You have simply spoken so much about how you feel unfulfilled, that I wonder if meeting more people would do you some good. You do not necessarily have to date them.”

“You know I’m not good at meeting people.”

“Which is exactly why I suggested an anonymous app. If anything, I think that speaking to people you do not know, vice versa for them, might be easier for you. But of course, I am not pushing you into anything.”

Finally, Felix’s movements have become far more natural, and he’s not abusing the poor pan in the process of making this food. He is silent for a moment, thinking over Dimitri’s words. He can understand them. Sometimes, he _has_ wondered if this sense of loss, only deepening as he gets older, is indeed something that can be fulfilled by meeting people. Even a specific someone.

A soulmate, if he was sappy enough to use that word. 

“I’ll think over it some more, maybe,” says Felix. “Only to stop you pestering me so much.”

Dimitri chuckles. “So long as you are making steps towards being less lonely, I do not mind the reasoning behind it.”

“How charming of you.” Felix pauses for a moment, his voice slightly quieter when he adds, “And, uh, thanks. For looking out for me.”

He usually doesn’t thank Dimitri for something so simple—in his eyes, being best friends for so long means that little acts of care, of thoughtfulness, are simply a given. Friends simply have each other’s backs, and that is that. It doesn’t always need words of thanks.

_“That’s what friends are for, Felix.”_

His smile fades, eyebrows furrowing. How confusing.

  
  


* * *

  
  


At the very least, Dimitri’s suggestion comes with a perk he can get behind: the fact that if it’s all anonymous, Felix isn’t going to find himself as anxious with the idea of interacting with someone else. He’s not exactly the most sociable person, but perhaps if they don’t see his face nor name, he might be fine.

Who is he kidding? He’s going to be awkward either way. Regardless, however, he does want to try for Dimitri. This suggestion is to try and help him, after all. It’s a polite way of saying, _hey, Felix, you seem lonely after losing your family, so maybe something like this would be good for you?_

When he first starts using the app, however, he does wonder if he’s out of his mind to even attempt this. Everyone who messages him (heaven knows that _he_ isn’t going to be the one messaging first) gives him strange vibes, and he hadn’t even known that asking “asl” is still a thing. He doesn’t even want to go there.

He considers uninstalling the app quickly, simply browsing a Twitter account dedicated to cats instead as he eats lunch, but he soon receives a message that he has to admit catches his eye unlike the others. Perhaps because when the notification comes through from the app, the message clearly starts differently than others do.

**SincerestKnight69**

_They call me the cat whisperer, because I know exactly what the pussy needs. Hi there, nice to meet you!_

Felix cannot help it; he has to press his lips together to stop himself from smiling in amusement. If there is going to be any way into his heart at all, it’s mentioning cats in the first message. Even if it’s in the form of a bad pick-up line.

**BlackCat62**

_Bet you spent a solid ten minutes browsing Google for that one._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Nah, I have a whole range of pick-up lines to use! Endless, you might say. I’m so good at them that I thought it’d be the best way to connect to an obvious cat lover_

**BlackCat62**

_Congrats, you read my name and figured out I like cats. What’s with_ your _name?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_The first part is to do with my long, long history, you see. A bold, sincere, brave and strong knight all those centuries ago in a past life—combine that lineage with the best number there is, and I have myself a wonderful username in the end, don’t you think?_

**BlackCat62**

_You really went through all those words just to get to the fact that you have 69 in your name, didn’t you?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_Eh, maybe. But hey, if it didn't charm you at least a little, you wouldn’t keep on replying to me ;)_

This causes Felix to roll his eyes, putting his phone down to one side in order to bring his plate and cutlery to the kitchen. He decides to wash them, just to leave this stupid guy on his own for a bit. _If_ they’re a guy. Whoever and whatever they are, they seem to be irritating, Felix left with no idea at all on why he feels inclined to actually keep on replying to this one. Maybe it’s because they haven’t asked “asl” yet.

When he returns to his phone, he finds that this knight person has left another message.

_Sorry, sorry, maybe you don’t like someone who teases you! But what_ do _you like? Maybe you’d be honoured to tell me a bit about yourself, aside from this wonderful personality I’ve already seen so far?_

**BlackCat62**

_No names or other personal info?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_None at all. Just a little about you!_

Felix supposes that wouldn’t hurt. There are probably all sorts of people like him in the world, after all. He can’t imagine there is anything which particularly makes him stand out compared to everyone else.

**BlackCat62**

_Well, you were right. I like cats, though that’s not really a personality trait. I’m a bit sarcastic. Kind of rude, sometimes. Don’t exactly like speaking to people._

**SincerestKnight69**

_But here you are, speaking to me_

**BlackCat62**

_Yes. For some reason._

**SincerestKnight69**

_The reason is that I’m utterly charming, I’m sure ;) No, but really, I’m sure there’s more to you than that. I’m quite observant with this kind of thing, you know. Have to be, when I’m such a smooth-talker_

**BlackCat62**

_I don’t need to ask more about you. I think your personality is pretty obvious._

  
  


**SincerestKnight69**

_I can tell that you don’t think that’s a good thing. Still, I’m not all like I seem, you know! I’m a pretty kind person too, smarter than I look. And I bet you’re more than that prickly shell of yours, too. That you have so much more to you._

Felix isn’t sure why, but those words cause him to … He’s not even certain if he can describe how they make him feel. Saying they cause his heart to skip a beat is far too much of an exaggeration. But they certainly do _something_ to him.

Almost as though they mean something, and he’s heard them before. _You have so much more to you. That’s why I adore you, Felix._

Maybe he’s just tired.

**BlackCat62**

_You’re holding me to a way higher standard than I am in reality._

**SincerestKnight69**

_I really, really don’t think that’s the case, but … whatever you say_

Felix decides to close the app completely after this, certain that not replying to this message isn’t _completely_ against the social code of not leaving people on read. But something about all of this is … not scaring him off, as he thought it might. Nor is it not exactly as bad in reality.

He doesn’t speak to anyone else on that app. However, when he receives a message from this person again the following day, that changes.

**SincerestKnight69**

_Good morning—or at least, good morning from where I am! It’s quite a nice day, here_

Felix glances out of the window, his eyes widening slightly. Sun beams down onto the world below, and yes, it is indeed morning.

**BlackCat62**

_Huh. We might live quite close to one another. But I’m not telling you more than that._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. How are you this morning? Doing okay?_

**BlackCat62**

_I’d say so. The days have been rolling into one, lately. How about you? I’ve noticed that you’ve held back on another cat related pick-up line, so perhaps that’s an indicator that you’re in a bad mood._

  
  


**SincerestKnight69**

_Hahaha, not quite! I decided to limit how many pick-up lines I use on you. Can’t scare you off with how much of a flirt I am, can I? I’m actually doing great. Talking to you again is definitely a nice perk of my morning ;)_

_And you say about the days rolling into one. Hopefully you’re all right_

Felix rolls his eyes; he highly doubts that someone on an anonymous dating app would _actually_ care about the fact that Felix has been ploughing through each and every day depressed. But then again, even with the brief messages sent between them, this person already seems different to the rest.

**BlackCat62**

_I’m getting by. I’m sure everyone has times like these._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to be hurt by that. Hopefully things ease up for you soon, you deserve it._

**BlackCat62**

_Deserve it? You hardly know me._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Eh, I feel like I know you a lot already. Are you feline the connection between us?_

Felix can’t stop himself from snorting out loud, probably because of the sheer disbelief from how this guy is apparently showcasing an ability to find cat related pick-up lines in every scenario. And yes, Felix will admit that even though he finds all pick-up lines horrid, cat ones are at least charming in their own way.

**BlackCat62**

_I’m feline an urge to block you._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Oh, you’re so cold… Too bad I’m a guy who finds that quite attractive ;)_

**BlackCat62**

_So you’re a guy. I figured as much._

**SincerestKnight69**

_That’s right! Do I get the honour of learning your own gender, or at the very least, pronouns? When I’m thinking back to our conversations and how wonderful you are, I’d love to know how to refer to you in my mind_

  
  


**BlackCat62**

_Dork. I’m a guy as well. He/him. Sorry if you now suddenly want to run in the opposite direction, finding out that I’m not a girl._

  
  


**SincerestKnight69**

_I’d be fine no matter what you are ;) Same pronouns for me too. Ah, I feel like we’ve gotten that little closer now, don’t you?_

Felix finds it difficult to type out his denial of this. Not because he believes that a series of messages and learning each other’s genders would bring them closer, but because he swears that the more of this guy’s personality shines through, the more Felix can almost apply a voice to him.

Everything about this whole situation is peculiar, yet Felix still doesn’t want to stop his messages to him.

**BlackCat62**

_I think you’re just desperate to get laid, honestly._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Alas, I won’t deny that I wouldn’t say no to some ass here and there, but I really do mean it. And you seem like the type who would usually avoid speaking to other people on a dating app, so again, it does seem like we have at least somewhat of a connection_

Felix doesn’t know how to reply to this, and luckily has an excuse not to when Dimitri comes inside the apartment and gives Felix a wave in greeting. Felix does so back, trying to subtly put his phone to one side and instead focus on the laptop he has resting on the coffee table, although Dimitri is too observant for his own good.

“Were you messaging someone, Felix?”

“Nope. Just searching for something on Google.”

“But why would you do that on your phone, when you have your laptop open right there?”

Ah, shit. Felix shoots Dimitri a glare over the man’s good-natured chuckles. “All right, yes, I was messaging someone. On that app, even.”

“So you _are_ using it!” exclaims Dimitri, a smile stretching out on his face. “That is wonderful to hear. How are you getting on? Making friends?”

“Uh, no. Definitely not plural. But maybe the one.” Felix pauses, thinking over some words in his mind as he decides whether or not he’ll be seen as crazy for saying them. “Do you sometimes get a sense of … deja vu, when speaking to someone?”

Dimitri hums. He has now removed his coat and shoes, settling himself down next to Felix on the sofa. “I cannot say for sure whether I have or not. What do you mean, in this situation particularly?”

“It’s going to sound stupid, but I swear that it’s like I recognise how this guy sounds. Even though I haven’t even heard his voice, and he’s just typing.” Felix rubs the back of his neck, letting out a chuckle. “Yeah, that _definitely_ sounds weird. Maybe I really am just crazily lonely, and now my brain is trying to find some kind of familiarity in this guy.”

“Perhaps so. Or perhaps he is someone you have met before, in real life? Sometimes, it definitely is a small world.”

Felix hums. It _does_ seem as though the two live close to each other—it’s hard to say exactly how much, but they’re close enough to experience similar weather and the same time of day. It could truly be as simple as somewhere, perhaps in school or something else, they had known each other, and the guy’s personality resonates in his messages enough for Felix to be able to pick up on it.

He supposes a name might solve this puzzle. Perhaps he could consider asking for that, soon.

When his eyes land back on the phone, he finds an additional message.

_But who knows? Do you believe in things like fate? I know that I do, and maybe it was destiny which brought us together. Ooor maybe these are simply the ramblings of a man who, like you said, just wants to get laid. Guess it’s hard to know for certain, huh?_

* * *

Perhaps one of the reasons Felix has been so exhausted everyday, apart from the fact that his build-up of trauma has definitely done something to his health, is because his sleep is simply so chaotic—when he manages to sleep after hours of tossing and turning, that is.

Sometimes, he wonders if others don’t understand how long it takes for people to heal after grievances, or if the media always simply seems to get it _wrong._ Because Glenn died years ago, and it’s already been a year and a half since his father did so too, yet their deaths still plague his dreams at times. It gets easier, of course. He used to have his thoughts be riddled with them every minute of every day. But he does wonder if that pain will ever leave him completely.

Sometimes, the dreams he has are so feverish, so unusual, that he doesn’t really feel anything other than confusion and tiredness over how intense they are. Other times, he swears all of his senses are active during those images, they’re so real. He can even feel the rise of his chest as he takes desperate breaths. And he reaches, over and over, trying and trying to touch what he knows he cannot feel anymore. Trying to take hold of hands before they crumble into ash and blow away.

What is the least common of all, but the ones which stand out to him the most, are those incredible dreams, where it’s almost like he is someone else. It can be difficult to remember those images clearly. But he knows there are people alongside him, people he cherishes, and he fights by their side.

He supposes it’s like his brain has created another world for him. It’s a shame he cannot remember it clearly once he wakes, although one voice in particular stands out above the rest.

_“As long as you’re safe.”_

_“Do you remember the promise we made when we were kids?”_

He wonders if these are the pleas of a lonely heart desperately wanting connection again, connections beyond his beloved best friend. That perhaps befriending someone else again, for the first time in a long time, has brought on further desperation to connect with someone. To feel the same love that seems to be in those words echoing in his ears.

Perhaps it doesn’t mean anything at all, and dreams are simply meant to be seen as that alone. Just useless images, annoyingly sapping at the energy he’s supposed to gain by sleeping at all.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Felix and this man continue to talk, and he finds that he is beginning to look forward to them doing so. Sometimes, they seem to talk about little at all, simply the man asking Felix about his day or similar. Small talk, essentially. Something that Felix usually despises. But here, with this man … Well. It’s not quite as bad when it comes to him, and perhaps that is because it doesn’t feel like small talk at all, when their conversations always feel like they have purpose. 

They’re never a simple “hi, how are you?” and left at that. This man has a way with words, with talking in general to Felix, that makes it seem as though he genuinely wants to be doing so, and let their conversations have meaning.

**BlackCat62**

_I absolutely love RPGs._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Me too! I like all sorts of games really, but RPGs are the best. They’re simply so immersive. Although it can be hard to find the time for them, especially when you’re a busy person_

**BlackCat62**

_And are you? Busy, I mean._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Oh, yeah. I have so many hobbies lmao. Combine that with how I also have a job, and I have to put a lot of time into working out to look as good as I do … Yeah, definitely busy! But I enjoy it_

**BlackCat62**

_Hobbies alongside gaming, then? What like?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_I enjoy art a lot, and writing. Books are great too, and I play the guitar_

Huh. For someone so flirtatious, who really does seem to have an endless range of pick-up lines for every situation, there’s more than meets the eye with him. That only seems to make him all the more appealing to talk to.

And Felix cannot say why, but there is a sense of familiarity in that.

**BlackCat62**

_I see. That’s pretty cool. I’ve done writing myself a bit, mostly as an outlet and such for… certain things, I guess. But I won’t tell you more than that._

**SincerestKnight69**

_No worries! You’ve done writing too though, huh? I’ve always known that there is more to that prickly shell of yours ;)_

_Gasp! You’re like a macaron!_

**BlackCat62**

_How the hell am I like a macaron?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_You have a crispy shell, and a soft centre!_

Felix snorts, finding a smile creeping on his face despite the shake of his head. Honestly, this man never stops amusing him. 

**BlackCat62**

_That… is not a good way to flirt._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Oh, I’m not trying to flirt. Not this time. If I was, I’d make some kind of joke about opening you up in some kind of way ;) But I’m playing it cool_

**BlackCat62**

_You literally just made a sex joke. Is that really playing it cool?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_For me, yeah. That’s the whole Sylvain Gautier package for you!_

Felix blinks. The last thing he expected was a name to suddenly pop up in their conversation. Sure, he has wanted to _hear_ what Sylvain’s name is, and has wondered how to ask, but now he has seen it …

Well, he is glad. Definitely. But a rush of thoughts, emotions, are hitting him; ones that he is not sure on how to react to. After all, how can he process the fact that this name sounds familiar to him, somehow, or the way it sends a strange fluttery feeling to his stomach? He swears he has heard that name before. But where he has done so, however, he cannot say.

Perhaps that is simply his mind overthinking again. It’s not exactly uncommon for it to do that.

**BlackCat62**

_So you’re called Sylvain, then._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Yep! Sorry if you didn’t want to hear it, I’ve just been dying to tell you what my name is. You don’t have to tell me yours in return, if you don’t want to_

But he does. Because there is a small part of Felix which wonders if Sylvain would recognise his name in return, that perhaps, just perhaps, there is some strange, secret reason as to why Felix has this sense of familiarity.

**BlackCat62**

_No, it’s fine. My name is Felix._

His heart races waiting for Sylvain’s reply. To see if there is any recognition in return, finding that he hopes for it, despite how Felix didn’t voice his own familiarity himself. He wouldn’t even know whether or not Sylvain knows his name, too.

**SincerestKnight69**

_Felix, huh? I love it! You really are the human personification of a cat, aren’t you?_

A sense of disappointment washes over Felix, despite how he knows that expecting any other answer is silly. He doubts anyone else would experience this strange sense of nostalgia he has.

Regardless of his disappointment, however, he finds his heart growing warm over giving Sylvain that name. It’s something so simple, an exchange he would have with anyone when a name is necessary, and it’s almost laughable that he is acting this way.

But perhaps there is no use in demeaning how he feels. Perhaps, at the end of the day, all that matters is that he seems to be forming some kind of meaningful bond with someone, exactly like Dimitri wants him to.

* * *

Something else Felix has noticed about Sylvain, is how befriending him is … easy. Far easier than it is usually.

Even before the death of his father—and, years before that, his brother—Felix has always struggled to make friends. He was a shy child for sure, clinging closely to Dimitri’s side and never liking to stray too far from it. As he got older, his shyness has portrayed itself in different ways, more alike to social awkwardness and accidentally being too blunt or seemingly rude in situations. Either way, no matter _how_ this shyness has been displayed, he has always found it somewhat difficult to mix in with other people.

It might be because the process has been different, what with meeting on an anonymous app and then getting to know each other gradually via message, but Sylvain is simply easier to speak to. Felix still has his moments where he is unsure on how to respond, but overall, he finds he can simply … enjoy it. Which isn’t always possible for him.

And Sylvain is nice. More than nice, even. For someone who messaged him using a pick-up line about genitals, Sylvain is far more caring than he would have expected. He, frustratingly, has many qualities that Felix likes in a person. Caring, yes, but also respectful of boundaries, never wanting to ask Felix too much or to be far too nosey in his business.

He’s … Felix will admit it, but he’s the kind of person he wouldn’t mind dating. The thought comes to him suddenly as the two are messaging each other one evening, and Felix laughs aloud— _properly,_ not an accidental snort.

**BlackCat62**

_Goddess, you’re an idiot._

_Honestly, I’m surprised that we get on as well as we do. I expected you to simply annoy me, and that’s that._

**SincerestKnight69**

_Hmm, ARE you really surprised, though? Or do you think it might be fate again? ;)_

Felix knows it’s only a joke—Sylvain does seem to enjoy his jokes about things like fate and destiny. It’s probably all simply part of his continuous pick-up lines. But despite how Felix has always rolled his eyes at anything like this, saying it’s simply not realistic, he finds that he might not be fully against the idea of destiny, after all.

_“We’re both connected, aren’t we? We could have had anyone else, and that would have been more ideal in everyone’s eyes, but we didn’t. We chose each other, and I reckon that means we’ll keep on choosing each other, forever.”_

It’s confusing. All of this is. And, when he realises how close he feels to Sylvain already, it scares him. But not enough to drive him away. Never, for a moment, would he consider deleting that app and forget that the name Sylvain Gautier exists. He _couldn’t_ forget it. 

It’s unsurprising that all of this turns into something else: wanting to hear Sylvain’s voice. Is it like the one he keeps hearing in his dreams, or is it the exact opposite? Regardless of the answer, Felix needs to hear it. He has to, and swears if he doesn’t, it’ll keep him awake at night.

**BlackCat62**

_Do you ever wonder what I sound like?_

**SincerestKnight69**

_Only all the time_

**BlackCat62**

_I see. Because… Well, I get curious about what you sound like, too._

**SincerestKnight69**

_It’s a charming voice, I assure you. The moment you hear it, you’ll be under my spell. I’m certain of it x_

**BlackCat62**

_Shut up, idiot._

_This might sound weird, but I kind of feel like I already know what it’ll sound like before I even hear it. Maybe it’s because I already feel pretty close to you._

The reply is a bit slower this time. Felix’s heart races a little faster, wondering if that was too weird of a thing to say, that he’s scared Sylvain off with stupid words that indicate they are far, far closer than merely two guys on a dating app. 

Just as Felix is about to type out another message to apologise, however, he notices the typing icon on Sylvain’s side. Never has waiting for a message ever made his heart beat this much.

**SincerestKnight69**

_Really? I could say the same about you. I know this might freak you out, considering we’ve only exchanged messages and everything, but I feel as though I’ve always known you. If that makes sense at all_

_I want to hear your voice, too. See if it’s as lovely as I’m imagining ;) So if it’s something both of us want to do, maybe we should go ahead and have a phone call, maybe? Please don’t feel pressured though, obviously. I know that’s a pretty big step. But hey, if we’re both curious, and it’s something we both really want, then what is stopping us?_

Fear, doubt. Uncertainty on why Felix wants to hear it so desperately. 

Yet the desire to hear that voice only seems to grow stronger, now that he knows that Sylvain wants to do the same as well—why, aside from these unusual fears, would Felix say no when he is this desperate?

He knows he’d regret it, just as he would if he decided to step back from Sylvain and try to be less close to him. And he’s tired of allowing himself to regret things.

**BlackCat62**

_No, that’s okay. Can you call now, maybe? I’ll send my number._

His heart races even faster as he awaits that call. Phone calls in general are … well. Felix isn’t exactly good with those, either. So it truly does say a lot, for him to be willing to have one now. How desperate he really is to have it.

When Sylvain’s number pops up on his phone, calling him, he practically jumps and almost drops the phone. He fumbles to answer it, however, pursing his lips as he places it to his ear.

“Hello?”

_"Are we in the litter box? Because I’m diggin’ you.”_

Felix blinks once, twice, and he lets out an almost strangled chuckle from how much he tries to hold back laughter. “Are you kidding me? This is the first time I’m hearing your voice, and _that_ is the first thing you say?”

 _“Hey, at least it wasn’t a pussy joke this time!”_ Sylvain laughs, and … holy shit. _“It’s nice to hear you at last, Felix.”_

“… Yeah. Definitely.” He can hardly breathe. Exactly as he knew Sylvain’s name, his voice is the exact same—in fact, Felix might even say he recognises it _more,_ considering it’s alarmingly similar to what he hears in his dreams. 

_“Has it disappointed you, or exceeded your expectations?”_

“Neither. It’s about what I expected.” Felix pauses, the fingers of his spare hand fiddling with the bottom of his shirt. “And what about with me?”

_“The exact same way. I request that you imagine me winking, because that’s exactly what I want to do when I say: your voice is like birdsong, and I swear it could soothe me to sleep.”_

This time, Felix properly snorts. “As if. I don’t exactly have the most angelic voice in the world.”

_“To me, you do! Anyway, enough of the flirting, it really is nice to finally speak to you this way. I’ve enjoyed speaking to you lately.”_

“Mm. I could say the same to you. I—” Felix stops himself, before he can say anything about how it feels as though they have already spoken to each other like this before. Saying that kind of thing over text message is one thing; it’d be even more bizarre if he did this over the phone, too. “I, um, sorry if I get a bit awkward, though. Not great with phone calls.”

_“I’m sure I’m gregarious enough for the two of us. How has your day gone so far?”_

“It’s not been so bad,” says Felix, truthfully. His day has certainly picked up at least a little, since he started speaking to Sylvain. “I have a day off today, so I’ve mostly just been gaming. And then started talking to you, obviously.”

 _“Oh, I do too! I always love it when our schedules align like that, and talking to you is definitely the highlight of my day. Naturally, that is even better, now.”_ Sylvain pauses for a moment, before he says, _“You know how we’ve talked before, about fate and everything?”_

“Yes.” Of course he does. That stupid, annoying word has been in his mind far too much, as of late.

_“Well, this kind of feels like a part of that. Talking to you now feels natural, like it was always supposed to happen. Though again, that might be the ramblings of some man who wants to get laid.”_

Felix cares less about such things, but he has thought similarly in regards to loneliness. If the two feel the same, however … It’s strange, but it might mean something. “No, I get it. Like I said, I’m pretty bad at phone calls, but talking to you feels more natural.”

_“I’m honoured! And, well, I suppose that’s only normal, when I’m such a smooth-talker.”_

“Annoying, more like. And it turns out you’re definitely more annoying on the phone.”

_“Awh, come on. You don’t mean that, surely? Well, either way, it’s great that we’re talking. Although neither of us have a face to put our voices to … Even though I can imagine yours pretty well.”_

Those words cause Felix to frown; for some reason, when hearing that with this voice, glimpses of red, of warm-brown eyes, return to his mind. Usually the sights only saved for his dreams. “And what do you think I look like?”

 _“Let’s not go into those details. If I got it right, that’d probably creep you out, after all. But I can tell you what_ I _look like, and if you want to, you can describe your own appearance to me in return.”_

Felix hums. A casual sound, despite how much his heart is racing. “Okay, sure. Go for it.”

_“Excellent! I hope you’re ready to fall in love with me from a mere descriptor alone. Let’s see … I’m tall, for one thing, which I personally imagine you’re not. I have red, wavy hair, brown eyes, somewhat of a tan … Oh, and an absolute rocking body, too.”_

“Makes up for the abysmal personality, I’m sure.”

So Felix was right. Red: a colour that he frequently sees somewhere in his mind, his dreams. Out of the corner of his eye, as his head rests on a broad shoulder, and he listens to warm laughter.

_“Ouch! I’d have you know that I’m the full package. Honestly. My biggest flaw is my track record of cheating—”_

“Which is a pretty huge deal, you know.”

_“—but I swear I haven’t done that in a long, long time.”_

“Sure. Whatever.” Felix presses his lips together. “Well, I guess I can tell you what I look like, too.”

_“No pressure at all. But hey, it’s more than welcome.”_

“I have dark hair going down to my shoulders, pale skin. Brownish eyes with … I’d say it’s like a hint of amber. And, uh, you were right on me not being the tallest person ever.”

_“Bet you don’t like admitting that, do you?”_

“No comment.” Felix smiles in amusement, resting back against the sofa. “Not saying more than that.”

_“No, no, that’s fine. In fact, it’s more than enough. I can picture you now, and Goddess, you seem like such a cutie. It so happens that you sound exactly like my type.”_

“I’m sure you’d have said that no matter what I described to you.”

_“Who do you take me for? I wouldn’t do that!”_

“Sure, sure.” Felix opens his mouth, closing it again—he’s practically desperate to ask Sylvain if he finds familiarity in that description, too, but he’s said more than enough. In general, even. The exhaustion from something like this is creeping up on him. “Sorry to cut this short, but my roommate will be home soon, so I should probably go start cooking dinner for us.”

_“Ah, no worries. It was great talking to you either way. Would you maybe like to do so again? I really do love doing this.”_

“Mm. Me too. We can definitely do it again.”

When the call ends, a sense of loss arrives, alongside an image in his mind: of arms wrapping around him, of his head burying into another person’s shoulder. Words express how long it’s been since they have held each other, and how they never want to be separate again.

It’s fleeting. That image lasts for mere seconds, before it disappears again and he struggles to envision it, simply knowing that it had happened.

But that knowledge is enough for him to wonder if those arms will ever hold him again.

  
  


* * *

Every time Sylvain and Felix learn something new about each other, it feels as though they grow even closer. Of course, that’s a normal part of developing a bond with someone. It’s simply more meaningful here. Felix _wants_ to learn more, and for once, he isn’t against Sylvain learning more about him in return, too. That is something which usually frightens him.

And it still does, in a sense. But the sheer desperation to be closer to Sylvain overrides that. This desperation in itself can be terrifying as it is, as though Felix feels like if he loses what he is currently developing with Sylvain, he might not ever rid himself of a sense of a loss again.

He wants to meet him. That is a thought which creeps on him suddenly one day, simply whilst he is doing the dishes.

The two have called each other a few times, by now. And it’s something Felix looks forward to even more than the messages which greet him each day. It used to be more occasional before. Now, they talk every day, even if it’s only brief and to check in. Felix knows how disappointed he would be, if he suddenly lost that.

It’s wonderful, he has to admit it. But it also doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

Something as important as meeting each other, however, is something he cannot bring up. It’s probably too much for him to say. For all he knows, Sylvain could simply be saying all these things about fate, about Felix seeming familiar, as a way to flirt with him. Felix likes to imagine it’s not the case. Sylvain might be a flirtatious man, but he is also a kind person, and when he is genuine, that truly does shine.

It’s simply difficult for Felix to rid himself of guilt, particularly when everything is so strange. Days pass after this realisation of needing to meet Sylvain, and those days turn into weeks. Frequent text messages are now common phone calls, sometimes even before Felix goes to bed, and that voice is the last thing he hears before he dreams of the same.

“You know, I have heard you at night,” says Dimitri one day. A knowing, almost amused smile is on his face.

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“You seem to be speaking to someone on the phone. Is it the person you met on the app I gave you?”

“What? No.” When all he receives in response is a lifted eyebrow, Felix sighs. “Okay, yes, it’s him.”

“I thought as much. You are not usually the type to have phone calls. He must be quite special to you.”

Felix doesn’t answer. He can’t, when those words have left him so puzzled. In reality, it’s obvious that this is the case—Sylvain _is_ someone who is special to him. Perhaps it’s simply a shock to hear someone else say it.

“Are you _sure_ you’ve never had a sense of deja vu when meeting someone?” Felix asks eventually. “As though you’ve met them before, even though that can’t be the case?”

Dimitri appears thoughtful. “Well, I have thought about it since you asked. Sometimes people _do_ seem similar, such as my sister. I cannot say if it’s like I have met her before, though.”

“I see.” Felix isn’t sure if he should be disappointed, or convinced he is losing his mind.

“But you describing that does make me think of soulmates. As though you are connected to someone throughout every lifetime.”

With a snort, Felix says, “Soulmates? Every lifetime? This isn’t a fairytale, Dimitri.”

“No, but stranger things occur in the world. And I was only teasing you, Felix.” Dimitri’s voice softens. “Either way, this person you are talking to does seem like someone you care about. Perhaps you should meet him?”

These words are enough to convince him. After weeks and weeks of pondering this, it’s the suggestion from someone else which makes him see that it’s not so strange after all. Hopefully, Felix is correct in his assumption that Sylvain lives close by; from things he has mentioned when they have spoken to each other, Felix is almost certain that this is the case.

They have their common phone call at night, whilst Felix is lounging on his bed and not feeling particularly relaxed. His heart is racing over the words he has just asked:

“You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to. But where do you live?”

And when he receives an answer, he’s not sure if that heart calms down or speeds up even more. _“Fhirdiad, in Faerghus.”_

“I—same. That’s where I live.”

_“Oh, awesome! I had a feeling, but still. Glad to hear it.”_

“Mm. It’s … it’s convenient.” Felix pauses, taking a moment to breathe in deeply. “I asked because I’d, well. I’ve been thinking about how it’d be nice to meet you. In person.”

A silence falls, likely only seconds in reality, but it drags on for an eternity for Felix.

 _“I’ve been wanting to ask that, too,”_ says Sylvain, bringing Felix back down from his height of anxiety. _“You just seem a bit less out there than me, when it comes to this stuff. So I never wanted to make you uncomfortable.”_

“To be honest, if you had just asked first, it would have saved me from dwelling on this for weeks.”

Sylvain laughs. _“Ah, shit. Sorry. Okay, to compensate for having to make you dwell on this, how about_ I _be the one to suggest we make it a date?”_

A date. Theoretically, Felix should have seen this coming. Not just because he and Sylvain began talking on a dating app—he imagines it’s normal to make friends on there as well, the reason Dimitri suggested it to him—but because Sylvain’s flirting has seemed to become more and more genuine, as time goes on. As though he has actual feelings for Felix.

And Felix would simply be in denial, if he said that the same hasn’t been creeping up on him, too.

“Yeah. Okay. What should we do?”

_“I have the most perfect idea! I can’t wait to meet you. Here, let me just message you the address. I think you’d agree.”_

Felix does, the moment he sees it; a smile, the largest he has had in some time, appears on his face. “Looks good. I’m excited to meet you at last, Sylvain.”

  
  


* * *

Felix knows he is heading in the right direction. He’s familiar with the street the two are going to meet at, having been this way numerous times before. Still, he checks Google Maps frequently, which isn’t much help when that thing can confuse him enough as it is. He simply doesn’t want to mess anything up.

He feels as though he’s been waiting for this moment his entire life. It’s almost laughable, considering they’re only having a first date, but he cannot deny how he feels.

A breath escapes his lips, visible in the winter’s crisp air. A little further. Words in his mind follow, vague and distant. _“There’s an opera being held that I think is perfect for you, and—well, I already bought us tickets. Surprise!”_

None of this has made sense from the start, but all he is focusing on now is what comes next.

He brings his eyes up from his phone. His heart skips a beat over the figure he sees in the distance; someone tall, red hair sitting atop their head, and Felix knows that it’s _him_ before even seeing him up close.

Sylvain’s head lifts, attention brought away from his phone to Felix, and he smiles. 

The entire world has stopped from that single smile. One that Felix knows all too well.

“Hey there, Felix!” says Sylvain, putting his phone away “Glad you made it.”

“I know I’m not the politest person in the world, but I wasn’t going to set you up when I’m the one who suggested this.”

Sylvain laughs, and Felix wonders if his heart should flutter this way already from such a sound. “Still, I’m glad. It’s great to finally see you, Felix.”

“You as well.” He’s trying to not stare at that face, in fact, and the gorgeous smile stretched across it—he would have never expected to ever be able to find a home in a smile this way. 

“Come on, let’s go inside,” says Sylvain, gesturing his hand to a building nearby. “And oh, I’ll pay.”

“Why do you have to? Need to feel manly?”

“Nah, not at all. I’m just the one to throw the word date at you, so let’s make it my treat.”

That’s fair, and Felix is hardly going to say no. He follows Sylvain inside the building, hit with a sense of warmth and sadness alike. He hasn’t been here since Glenn was alive.

“Hey there! I have a reservation booked for Sylvain Gautier?”

Felix, still not exactly one to enjoy social interaction, ends up becoming distracted by the menu items as the person behind the counter greets Sylvain back. It’s only when Sylvain questions Felix on food and a drink that he focuses again, and this time, he pays full attention.

“You can play with the cats, as well as stroke them, of course,” says the member of staff, smiling. “But please do not pick them up or feed them.”

“Got it!”

“There are also another couple inside there right now, but it’s a large enough space to share, of course.”

“Oh, we’re not …” Felix starts, although his words drift off as soon as they begin. He’s much too distracted by the young black cat peeking through some glass at them, his heart swelling.

Soon, he and Sylvain are inside the cat café’s main room, and Felix has to wonder if this might be a bad choice for a first date, when nothing will distract him from said date quite like being surrounded by adorable cats. 

But it’s not as though he can be distracted from Sylvain fully. Not when his laugh is simply so … beautiful, as a cat he dangles a toy in front of dives for it, flips on its back and begins to paw at the toy with its back legs.

“A deadly hunter, this is,” says Sylvain. Felix smiles, dangling a similar toy in front of the same black cat from earlier. If he was a person with less morals, he’d consider negotiating adoption papers with the cat café to bring this particular one home. 

“You picked a good place, for a first date,” says Felix. “Definitely beats the usual restaurant or movie.”

“The latter is _awful_ for first dates! You get less chance to talk. Here, at least we get to speak to each other as you get distracted from my presence.”

Felix smiles with amusement. “Don’t worry. I know you’re still here.”

It’s not as though he could ever be in Sylvain’s presence, without acknowledging the other man is there at all. Not with all these emotions swelling inside, all the familiarity, the strange sense of loss when he remembers how he only met Sylvain recently, rather than be with him for all of their lives. Even if it still feels as though Sylvain has always been there.

There’s a certain expression on Sylvain’s face too, as he watches Felix give these cats attention. A smile, certainly, but also an edge of a sadness which almost seems the same as what Felix himself experiences. Something forlorn, lost. A hint of regret.

“So how long have you liked cats?” asks Sylvain.

“Forever, I’d say.” His smile grows as he, now surrounded by three cats, has one rub up against his crossed legs. “I guess they just like me.”

“And you like them. You’re similar in a lot of ways, you know.”

Felix hums. “Whereas you’re a dog person. Or, specifically, a horse person.”

Out of the corner of Felix’s eyes, he notices Sylvain sit up straighter. “Did I ever mention that?”

For a moment, Felix’s hand stops stroking a cat’s head. When it resumes, it’s much slower. “No, I don’t think so. I guess I just knew.”

And somewhere in his mind, distant and uncertain, he can see the image of a man similar to Sylvain sitting by him, smiling as he rests his forehead against the head of an ebony horse. A moment of peace, of contentment, around chaos.

Even sitting here, stroking these cats around him, feels similar to Felix. As though the two of them have already done this before.

Their usual chatter follows. It turns out that they speak exactly the same in person as they do over the phone. Their chemistry meshes so perfectly together, in fact, that it almost feels as though nothing is different. It’s simply better, more content, to be sitting here by Sylvain’s side as they spend time together.

The date passes much too quickly. It seems to confirm everything, yet make everything feel less certain all at once—Felix is sure of his feelings for Sylvain by now, and he would go as far to say that he knows the two of them are connected by fate in some way. Which only raises more questions in itself. 

“Sylvain, I …”

Two simple words, the moment the two are standing outside. Though they drift off, and should say nothing on their own, they are enough for another pained smile to find Sylvain’s face. He steps a little closer to Felix, slowly, carefully, reaching to him. Light, gentle fingers push a few strands of hair away from Felix’s face.

“I know you’re confused right now, about everything you feel, and everything you might be remembering,” says Sylvain. “But can I be selfish for a moment, and ask if I can kiss you?”

It’s not selfish to Felix, considering it’s exactly what his heart is bursting for. “No. Go ahead.”

Sylvain cups Felix’s face, bearing a smile that could melt ice, and leans in to brush their lips together. 

It’s simple. It only lasts for a few seconds at most, gentle and light, but it’s enough for a tear to trickle down Felix’s face, for his heart to only pound faster. Images appear and fade, images of kisses exactly like this, those that last longer, are deeper, more passionate and sometimes, made salty by tears.

A silence falls as Sylvain backs away slowly, still keeping those light fingers on Felix’s face whilst the latter’s hand remains frozen in the air, uncertain. He blinks, sending another tear down his face, and he quickly wipes at his eyes with his arm.

“How does all this feel the same?” he questions. “How … how does it feel as though we’ve already done all this before?”

Sylvain’s eyes close for a moment, and he exhales a breath, as though trying to calm that shaky smile. “Can we go for a walk? We can talk through this.”

So Felix isn’t actually losing his mind after all, and Sylvain is the exact same. “Sure.”

“And I’d love it if I can hold your hand too. So we don’t get separated on the way, you know?”

Felix rolls his eyes, but not without a fond smile he hides with the back of his hand. His other is now in Sylvain’s, and the two begin to walk down the street.

It’s silent, for a moment. Felix cannot blame Sylvain for that questioning look in his eyes, as though gathering his thoughts. If Felix isn’t the only one after all, who has been seeing and feeling everything he has, then he imagines that Sylvain is struggling just as much to explain himself.

“You’re the type of person who hates beating things around the bush,” Sylvain begins.

“Yeah. I don’t like sugar-coating or avoiding things. Just give it to me straight.”

“All right. Still, I think you might faint in shock if I say everything at once.” A pause, before Sylvain asks, “Do you believe in past lives?”

“Uh, I’ve not really thought about it.” Which, Felix realises, is actually a lie. “No, I have. I think. I’m not religious or anything, but I suppose I’m spiritual. And I’ve had way too many cases of deja vu in my life to not believe in it a bit.”

“And meeting me has kind of been a whole case of deja vu, huh?”

“Yeah. Exactly. Even when we first met, I had this sense of knowing you already.” Felix blinks, his eyes landing on the man walking beside him. “Wait. You’re not trying to imply that we’re … That we share a past life together, are you?” Sylvain is silent for a moment, urging Felix to grind them to a stop and add, “Sylvain.”

The name is urgent, desperate for an answer he knows should seem insane. “Yeah,” says Sylvain eventually. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“But—that’s crazy. How would you even know? How would …” Felix’s words drift off. His mouth opens, closes, recalling all those strange images in his mind. How it might be more accurate to call them memories. “Do you have what I have? Have you seen things go on in that life?”

“In a sense. But I’m a bit different.”

“But how?” Another pause, and this time, Felix grows agitated, even deciding to bring his hand back to him. “Sylvain. You said yourself that I hate people avoiding the point, so don’t do that yourself.”

“Right. Sorry.” Sylvain’s eyes flick around, and he gestures to a bench resting near a fence; beyond it are the stretches of a park, dappled with snow. “No one is around, so let’s sit down for a moment.”

Considering Felix’s legs feel strangely weak, he’s not going to reject this suggestion. The two sit down. Sylvain slouches forward slightly, hands resting by his head with eyes deep in thought. “I’m different to you, because I can remember it clearly,” he finally says. “I don’t know why, but it’s—ever since we died together in that life, every life I’ve had since then, I’ve been able to slowly recall more and more of it.”

“What are you—”

“We shared a life together, so many centuries ago. We were nobles, and fought in a war together. There’s naturally so much more to it, but all in all, that summarises it.” Sylvain straightens up slightly, meeting Felix’s eyes. “I imagine that you have some vague images appearing in your mind, or maybe you hear familiar voices. Feel something, even, like when we kissed. And if you do, it’s all from the life we shared together.”

“I—I don’t understand.” Felix, with his head beginning to throb, rubs his knuckles against his temples. “So we had this past life together, and you remember us having that?”

“I do.”

“But why you?”

“That, I don’t know. It’s really not as much of a blessing as it sounds.” Sylvain’s smile returns, but never has it seemed to hold so much grief. “As soon as I remember again, all I want is to meet you. I don’t know this for sure, but it’s like we’re soulmates, always searching for each other. And my life can’t feel fulfilled, before we meet again—which we do every time, because apparently, we’re connected.”

Felix is silent for a moment, recalling his sense of being more and more unfulfilled these last several years. To an extent, he knows it was from his depression and grief. But ever since he met Sylvain, and the two have grown closer and closer together … That emotion has been reducing drastically. As though his soul truly was searching for something.

Or, more specifically, someone.

There are so many questions, so much confusion, but the thing that Felix finds himself asking is, “And you remember us every time?”

“Mm. And search for you.”

“I … don’t know what to say.” Felix glances at Sylvain’s face before looking away again, swallowing. “Were we … together, in that life?”

“Oh, yeah. Not everyone knew, as those times were harder to be together romantically, but we were. We were so close we even died on the same day.”

“Goddess.” Finally, Felix feels a smile appear on his face. “I bet that history books would glaze over how gay that is.”

Sylvain laughs loudly, and the sound seems to ease the tension in both of them. “Oh, definitely. We were best friends, that’s all! Best friends who visited each other often, and just wanted to compete in healthy combat.”

“Those would be some homoerotic fights for sure.” Felix’s eyes fall down at the hands in his lap, his smile fading. “All of this is crazy, but I know that I believe you. It ties together a lot of what I’ve been feeling. I just—is it strange to feel guilty, because I don’t know all of this when you do?”

“No, not at all. Though that isn’t your fault.”

“But you must struggle in each life, having to find me each and every time.”

“Yeah, it’s tough. I won’t deny it. But it’s worth it every time.” Sylvain, once again, trails his fingers over the side of Felix’s face; this time, the latter leans into the touch. “I don’t expect you to jump on this either. I know it’s probably strange for you.”

“Mm, it is. But simultaneously, I guess a part of me feels as though this couldn’t have turned out any other way.” He releases a breath, leaning back against the bench. “I’ll need some time to process it. This is meant to be, though. I know it is. And I appreciate you finding me again.”

“Always, Felix.” Sylvain’s voice is softer than Felix has ever heard it. “I’ll always find you.”

Out of everything, this is the easiest thing for Felix to believe. This time, he is the one to lean in and kiss Sylvain, and this time, no tears fall. He’s likely happier than he has ever been, and somehow, he knows that it’ll be okay. 

They’re together now, and always will be. Felix finds himself with no qualms against that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to find me on Twitter @nikobynight to see my FE3H related art too, as well as my (mostly Felix centred) rambles.


End file.
